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From Storytelling to Self-Discovery

Writer's picture: Shiv  MartinShiv Martin
“People need a narrative, and if there isn’t one on offer, they make one up.” ― Jean Hanff Korelitz
“People need a narrative, and if there isn’t one on offer, they make one up.” ― Jean Hanff Korelitz

# Table of Contents

1. Introduction to Storytelling in Conflict

- Understanding the Role of Narratives


2. Why Our Stories Matter

- The Significance of Personal Narratives

- The Connection Between Identity and Storytelling


3. The Stories We Tell in Conflict

- Common Narratives in Conflict Situations

- Case Study: Workplace Conflict

- Recognizing the Influence of Past Experiences


4. Rewriting Your Story

- The Process of Narrative Change

- Transforming Perspectives During Conflict


5. Taking Control of Your Narrative

- Empowering Yourself Through Storytelling

- Conflict as a Pathway to Self-Discovery


6. Conclusion: You Are the Storyteller

- Embracing Your Role in Shaping Outcomes

- Crafting Your Next Narrative for Growth and Resolution


As a mediator, I’ve seen it all—the heated arguments, the silent standoffs, and the moments of breakthrough when people finally start to understand each other. But one thing that never ceases to amaze me is how much of our experience in conflict comes down to the stories we tell ourselves. Whether we realise it or not, we’re all natural storytellers, and the narratives we create in our minds can either keep us stuck in conflict or help us find a way out.

So, let’s talk about storytelling and self-discovery in the middle of a conflict. It’s not just some abstract concept; it’s a powerful tool for making sense of what’s happening and, more importantly, figuring out how to move forward.

Why Our Stories Matter

Ever wondered what gives your life meaning? There are a lot of theories out there. Some say it’s about the choices we make, others believe it’s about growing and reaching our full potential. Some think it’s about resolving inner conflicts, finding happiness, or interpreting our experiences in a way that makes sense. But here’s a different take: what if the meaning of life is found in the stories we tell about ourselves?

This is where the narrative approach to personality comes in. It’s all about the idea that our life stories—those internalised and ever-evolving tales we craft about who we are—shape our identity. And as our identity changes, so do our stories. They’re constantly being revised, rewritten, and reinterpreted as we go through life.

The Stories We Tell in Conflict

When you’re knee-deep in conflict, it’s easy to get caught up in a particular narrative. You might tell yourself that you’re the victim, always misunderstood, or maybe that the other person is out to get you. These stories aren’t just random—they’re shaped by your past experiences, emotions, and the way you’ve learned to see the world.

Here’s an example: Say you’re having a tough time with a colleague at work. Maybe you’ve started telling yourself a story where they’re always undermining you, never giving you credit, and just generally making your life harder. That story feels real because it’s based on your experiences and how you’ve interpreted them. But what if there’s another side to the story? What if that colleague is feeling threatened or insecure, and their actions are more about their issues than anything to do with you?

As a mediator, one of the first things I try to do is help people see the different stories in play. I encourage them to step back and look at the narrative they’re holding onto. Is it serving them? Is it helping to resolve the conflict, or is it keeping them stuck?

Rewriting Your Story

The beauty of storytelling is that it’s not set in stone. Just like a good book, your story can have plot twists, character development, and even a change in direction. When you’re stuck in a conflict, one of the most powerful things you can do is start rewriting the narrative.

Let’s say you’ve always seen yourself as the underdog—someone who’s always fighting to be heard. That story might have served you well in the past, but maybe it’s time for a rewrite. Instead of the underdog, what if you started seeing yourself as someone who’s learning to assert their needs in a healthy way? What if the conflict isn’t a sign that you’re being pushed down, but an opportunity to stand up in a new, more confident way?

By changing the story, you change your perspective, and suddenly the conflict isn’t just something to get through—it’s a chance to grow and learn more about yourself.

Taking Control of Your Narrative

At the end of the day, the story you tell yourself during a conflict is in your hands. You’re the author, and that means you have the power to rewrite it. This doesn’t mean ignoring the facts or pretending everything’s fine, but it does mean looking at the situation from a new angle—one that empowers you rather than keeps you stuck.

Conflict, when viewed through this lens, isn’t just a hurdle to overcome. It’s a pathway to self-discovery. It’s about understanding the scripts you’ve been following, questioning where they come from, and deciding how you want the next chapter to unfold. So, the next time you find yourself in the middle of a conflict, remember: you’re not just a participant—you’re the storyteller. And with every new experience, you have the chance to craft a narrative that doesn’t just reflect where you’ve been, but where you want to go.

The Danger of a Single Story

Be aware that single stories can create stereotypes. We are a combination of stories as are the people we engage with.

Source: TED. (2009, October 8). Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie: The danger of a single story | TED [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D9Ihs241zeg

McAdams, D. P. (2008). Personal narratives and the life story. In O.P. John, R.W. Robins, & L.A. Pervin (Eds.) Handbook of personality: Theory and research (3rd edition). Guilford Press.

McAdams, D. P. (2001). The psychology of life stories. Review of General Psychology, 5(2), 100-122. http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/1089-2680.5.2.100


ABOUT THE AUTHOR


Shiv Martin is a nationally accredited mediator, practicing solicitor, conciliator, decision-maker, and certified vocational trainer. With extensive experience in complex dispute resolution, stakeholder engagement, and team building across business, community, and governmental sectors, Shiv brings over a decade of unique and diverse expertise in Law, Management, Vocational Education, and Mediation.





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  • What factors determine the booking of mediation services and how do you ensure the best chance of resolution in diverse dispute contexts?
    My mediation services can be booked according to the size of the dispute at hand. I have successfully managed complex multi-party disputes spanning a number of days, and short mediations of 90 minutes. Each dispute and each party has unique needs and I will work independently with all parties and legal representatives to design the most appropriate process to ensure the best chance of resolution. I am experienced at mediating across cultures, generations and dispute contexts.
  • What is your background and experience in mediation and conciliation services?
    After over a decade as a full-time panel mediator, conciliator, decision maker and team manager for various government agencies, Commissions and Tribunals, I am now offering my mediation and conciliation services privately. I am highly experienced in managing a diverse range of disputes and adapt a flexible mediation approach following considered pre-mediation discussions with parties and their legal representatives.
  • What qualifications and experience do you bring to the table as a mediator and mediation accreditation training assessor?
    As an experienced Mediator and Recognized Mediation Accreditation training and assessor I bring to the table a high level of emotional intelligence, the technical skills of a lawyer (Over 10 years PAE) and a depth of cross-cultural and intergenerational conflict experience. I am also skilled in Mental Health First Aid and understand the importance of managing emotions and relationships in effectively managing disputes.
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