From Storytelling to Self-Discovery
- Shiv Martin
- 3 days ago
- 6 min read
How the Narratives We Tell Shape Conflict and How to Reclaim Them As a mediator, I’ve seen it all the heated arguments, the silent standoffs, and the moments of breakthrough when people finally start to understand each other. But one thing that never ceases to amaze me is how much of our experience in conflict comes down to the stories we tell ourselves.
Whether we realise it or not, we’re all natural storytellers, and the narratives we create in our minds can either keep us stuck in conflict or help us find a way out.
So, let’s talk about storytelling and self-discovery in the middle of a conflict. It’s not just some abstract concept; it’s a powerful tool for making sense of what’s happening and, more importantly, figuring out how to move forward.
Why Our Stories Matter
Ever wondered what gives your life meaning? There are a lot of theories out there. Some say it’s about the choices we make, others believe it’s about growing and reaching our full potential. Some think it’s about resolving inner conflicts, finding happiness, or interpreting our experiences in a way that makes sense. But here’s a different take: what if the meaning of life is found in the stories we tell about ourselves?
This is where the narrative approach to personality comes in. It’s all about the idea that our life stories, those internalised and ever-evolving tales we craft about who we are shape our identity. And as our identity changes, so do our stories. They’re constantly being revised, rewritten, and reinterpreted as we go through life.
The Stories We Tell in Conflict
When you’re knee-deep in conflict, it’s easy to get caught up in a particular narrative.
In conflict, it’s easy to fall into a fixed narrative:
“I’m the victim - no one listens to me.”
“They’re always undermining me.”
“This always happens to me.”
These stories feel true, because they’re grounded in emotion and shaped by past experience.
But here's the insight many people discover in mediation:
There’s always more than one story.
Here’s an example: Say you’re having a tough time with a colleague at work. Maybe you’ve started telling yourself a story where they’re always undermining you, never giving you credit, and just generally making your life harder. That story feels real because it’s based on your experiences and how you’ve interpreted them. But what if there’s another side to the story? What if that colleague is feeling threatened or insecure, and their actions are more about their issues than anything to do with you?
One of the first things I try to do is help people see the different stories in play. I encourage them to step back and look at the narrative they’re holding onto. Is it serving them? Is it helping to resolve the conflict, or is it keeping them stuck?
From Conflict to Clarity
As mediators and complaints managers, one of our most important roles is to uncover what’s really driving the conflict and that begins with gathering the right information. While it’s easy to assume that asking good questions is the key, the deeper skill lies in creating space for people to tell their stories. It’s not about directing the conversation or probing for details too early. It’s about inviting someone to speak freely, without interruption or agenda, so they can share what feels meaningful to them. Often, when someone circles back to the same point or speaks in loops, it signals that part of their experience remains unresolved or unprocessed. By listening carefully, reflecting what we hear, and holding space for their narrative, we can help them make sense of what’s happened. In doing so, they begin to find clarity and often, their own path forward. True conflict resolution begins not with asking, but with inviting safe storytelling.
Rewriting Your Story
The beauty of storytelling is that it’s not set in stone. Just like a good book, your story can have plot twists, character development, and even a change in direction. When you’re stuck in a conflict, one of the most powerful things you can do is start rewriting the narrative.
Let’s say you’ve always seen yourself as the underdog, someone who’s always fighting to be heard. That story might have served you well in the past, but maybe it’s time for a rewrite. Instead of the underdog, what if you started seeing yourself as someone who’s learning to assert their needs in a healthy way? What if the conflict isn’t a sign that you’re being pushed down, but an opportunity to stand up in a new, more confident way?
By changing the story, you change your perspective, and suddenly the conflict isn’t just something to get through, it’s a chance to grow and learn more about yourself.
Taking Control of Your Narrative
At the end of the day, the story you tell yourself during a conflict is in your hands. You’re the author, and that means you have the power to rewrite it. This doesn’t mean ignoring the facts or pretending everything’s fine, but it does mean looking at the situation from a new angle, one that empowers you rather than keeps you stuck.
Conflict, when viewed through this lens, isn’t just a hurdle to overcome. It’s a pathway to self-discovery. It’s about understanding the scripts you’ve been following, questioning where they come from, and deciding how you want the next chapter to unfold. So, the next time you find yourself in the middle of a conflict, remember:
You’re not just a participant - you’re the storyteller.
And with every new experience, you have the chance to craft a narrative that doesn’t just reflect where you’ve been, but where you want to go.
The Danger of a Single Story
It’s also important to remember that every person brings their own narrative to a situation.
“The problem with stereotypes is not that they are untrue, but that they are incomplete.” Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
Adichie’s TED Talk, The Danger of a Single Story, reminds us that oversimplified narratives about others or ourselves, limit empathy and connection.
In mediation and life, it’s worth asking:
What assumptions am I making?
What stories am I not hearing?
How can I hold space for more than one truth?
Further Readings and References: TED. (2009, October 8). Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie: The danger of a single story | TED [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D9Ihs241zeg
McAdams, D. P. (2008). Personal narratives and the life story. In O.P. John, R.W. Robins, & L.A. Pervin (Eds.) Handbook of personality: Theory and research (3rd edition). Guilford Press.
McAdams, D. P. (2001). The psychology of life stories. Review of General Psychology, 5(2), 100-122. http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/1089-2680.5.2.100
❓ Frequently Asked Questions
1. What is narrative psychology? It’s the idea that our identity is shaped by the stories we tell about our lives and that changing those stories can shift our behaviour and wellbeing.
2. How does storytelling help in conflict resolution? Understanding your internal narrative gives you insight into your reactions and opens space for empathy, flexibility, and growth.
3. Can everyone reframe their story in conflict? Yes - with support and self-reflection. Coaching, journaling, or working with a mediator can help.
4. What if the conflict is based on real harm? Acknowledging real harm is important. Rewriting your story doesn’t mean excusing bad behaviour, it means reclaiming your power and perspective.
5. Do you offer coaching on this approach?
Yes. I offer reflective coaching and training on narrative tools in conflict, especially for mediators, complaints officers, and workplace leaders.
Read Next
Ready to Explore Your Stories?
If you or your team would benefit from coaching, training, or reflective workshops that explore the power of narrative in conflict, I’d love to support you.
📩 Reach out to book a confidential conversation or learn more about my coaching and facilitation services:👉 Contact Shiv
Shiv Martin is a nationally accredited mediator, practicing solicitor, conciliator, decision-maker, and certified vocational trainer. With extensive experience in complex dispute resolution, stakeholder engagement, and team building across business, community, and governmental sectors, Shiv brings over a decade of unique and diverse expertise in Law, Management, Vocational Education, and Mediation.
Comments