How to De-escalate Challenging Calls?
- Shiv Martin
- Mar 31
- 8 min read
Conflict resolution training and mediation services to help staff manage difficult phone calls with confidence, empathy, and professionalism.
Why De-Escalation Skills Matter in Challenging Calls
For many frontline professionals, an unexpected and emotionally charged phone call can be the hardest part of the week. Whether the caller is angry, distressed, confused, demanding, or overwhelmed, these conversations place real pressure on staff who are trying to remain calm, provide accurate information, and move the interaction forward.
This is particularly true in areas such as dispute resolution, complaints management, care and service delivery, banking, insurance, legal services, and advocacy, where people are often dealing with heightened emotion alongside risk, vulnerability, and complex decisions.
As a mediator and dispute resolution expert, my view is that managing challenging phone calls is part of human services work. These are not just difficult customer interactions. They are moments that test communication, boundaries, emotional regulation, and professional judgement.
The good news is that, even when a call is unexpected, it does not have to derail the person receiving it. When staff have a clear process for de-escalation, understand the boundaries of their role, and focus on what they can control, they are far more able to respond with clarity and confidence.
Like any other complex task, a difficult phone call becomes more manageable when it is broken down into smaller parts. The goal is not to control the caller or fix everything in one conversation. The goal is to listen carefully, respond deliberately, maintain boundaries, and move through the call one step at a time. This is where practical de-escalation skills make all the difference.
Understanding emotions - what causes us to blow up in a phone call?
Phone calls can escalate quickly because they remove many of the cues that help us feel safe and understood in a face-to-face conversation. We cannot see the other person’s body language, facial expression, or intent, so when a caller is already stressed, frustrated, frightened, or feeling ignored, the brain can start to interpret the interaction as a threat. Once that happens, emotion often takes over before careful thinking has a chance to catch up.
Remember, emotions are not the problem. Emotions signal what matters, build connection, and drive decision-making. It is our failure to read and respond to emotions that leads to conflict escalation.
Particularly when people feel afraid or threatened, they may become more reactive, more defensive, less able to listen, and more likely to interrupt, blame, demand, or shut down. Add time pressure, confusion, previous bad experiences, or the feeling of having no control, and it is easy to see why a phone call can suddenly blow up.
Understanding this matters, because it reminds us that difficult calls are not always about bad behaviour alone. They are often the visible result of stress, unmet needs, perceived unfairness, and a nervous system that has tipped into protection mode.
Here are my top tips for de-escalating challenging calls
1. Check in with yourself
Dealing with difficult phone calls can be a challenging task. Whether it's a customer complaint, a heated argument, or simply a misunderstanding, it's important to remain calm and composed in order to defuse the situation. Remember the caller's frustration and anger is not directed at you personally - so when you respond, take a moment to separate yourself personally from their frustration.
Example: " John, I hear you are really frustrated by the delays you are experiencing from our agency, and I hear that you have been waiting a long time. Can I talk you through some next steps?"
If you are in a state of heightened emotion (looming deadline, sick child, relationship troubles, unexpected bill, worry over an upcoming presentation), do not persevere with a difficult and unexpected phone call. Instead, focus on how you can reschedule the conversation. If we can't stay unhooked and in control of our own emotions, there is no point in continuing with a conversation that will require us to de-escalate others' emotions.
It's natural to feel frustrated or upset during difficult phone calls, but it's essential to keep your emotions in check. Take a deep breath and remind yourself that you're there to help and resolve the issue, and whatever they are upset about is not your personal problem.
2. State and Reinforce Limits
If you do pick up the phone on an unexpected and difficult phone call, at the start of the conversation, let someone know what your limits are in terms of time and, if relevant, the scope of what you can discuss. You can phrase limits positively by saying something like "Bob, I can hear you are upset, and I am glad that you have called to talk it through with me. I have another meeting in 15 minutes, but I can definitely answer your questions about that report in the time that we have"
Always start a phone call or meeting with a timeline in place. If in doubt, allow twenty minutes.
Remember: Empathetic, respectful and focussed conversations require boundaries.
3. Active Listening
One of the most powerful de-escalation strategies is active listening. This involves fully focusing on the other person's words, tone of voice, and body language, without interrupting or getting defensive. Also, when you do speak, use summaries to reflect back what you heard from the other person and acknowledge their perspective. By actively listening, you can better understand their concerns and respond appropriately.
If you feel you need to shift from listening mode to advising mode, ask the person if they are ready for it or whether they would like you to communicate in an email. For example,
"Sam, I can hear how difficult this situation has been for you. Would you like me to talk you through what options are available with our organisation? Or would you prefer I send you this information in an email to consider in your own time?"
When ever you provide individuals with choices, even small ones, you reduce their feelings of lack of control and help to de-escalate their emotional response.
4. Empathy
Another key strategy is to show empathy. Put yourself in the other person's shoes and try to understand their emotions and perspective.
But how to you actually do this? By acknowledging their feelings and validating the impact of the situation on them, you can establish trust and respect, making it easier to de-escalate the situation.
You don't have to 'understand' what it's like for someone, you simply have to 'understand' that the situation is having an impact on them.
Empathy can be learnt and developed if you understand and accept its importance in successful communication.
5. Use Positive Language
Positive language can help de-escalate challenging calls. Avoid using phrases that blame or attack the other person and focus on identifying common ground and solutions. Use phrases like "I can see why you might be frustrated," or "Let's try to find a solution that works best for everyone."
Also think about how you turn a negative response into a positive. For example, I can't send you that report tomorrow can be changed to, I will work as fast as I can, and get you the report by the end of next week.
6. Offer Alternatives
No one likes to be cornered or told what to do. This is especially the case when you are feeling distressed, angry or very upset.
When faced with a difficult phone call, it's often helpful to offer alternatives. Instead of simply saying "No," or "That's not possible," try to find a compromise or alternative that meets the needs of both the caller and the organisation. This demonstrates a willingness to find a solution and can help de-escalate the situation.
This is also helpful if the caller is communicating in a way that is unhelpful or offensive. Provide them with a choice on whether they wish to continue speaking to you. For example- Charles, I cannot understand you or respond to you if you continue to direct your comments to me personally. I am really upset by how you are speaking to me. If you could please focus on the particular application I can continue this call.
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7. Document the Conversation and Debrief
If you encounter a particularly challenging phone call, it's always a good idea to document the conversation. Write down the date, time, and any relevant details. This can be helpful for future reference and for any potential follow-up actions.
My hot tip here is when you start a phone call with someone - ask for their email, just in case you get disconnected. Then in case things go offtrack or the call ends unexpectedly, you can quickly send an email of your key messages and next steps.
Unfortunately, challenging phone calls have the potential to go awry, even when we have taken all the correct steps. For this reason, making a clear and contemporaneous record of the conversation can be very important. Rather than a note to self, an email to the caller can be very useful, especially if you need to produce that record for legal proceedings down the track.
It is also a helpful tool for us to debrief and reflect on the conversation that occurred rather than rushing on to the next task.
The final and most important tip I can give you is to say as little as you can.
When we are managing an emotionally heightened conversation, the best thing we can do is listen, empathise and maintain our professionalism. In many cases this means staying silent. For example, in a 20-minute phone call, I will probably only say 2 or 3 sentences, and even then most of the words I use will be a reflection of what I have heard the other person say. This is unusual for me, but I have learnt the hard way that the less you say the better when faced with an unexpected and emotionally heightened call.
Sometimes, simply being present is both the least, and the most, we can do.
Training for Confidence and Professionalism
I have been working with a number of complaints management and dispute resolution teams to improve their capacity for managing challenging calls, please let me know if you would like to discuss this topic further! Book a FREE confidential consultation here
📧 Email: contact@shivmartin.com
📞 Phone: 0433 904 303
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Hi, I’m Shiv Martin. I’m a nationally accredited mediator, lawyer, conciliator, and conflict management specialist with over a decade of experience working across government, business, and community settings. I support teams to navigate complex and emotionally charged situations through mediation and conciliation, conflict skills training, facilitation, and practical advice on policies and processes. My approach is grounded in law, psychology, and real-world dispute resolution, with a strong focus on clarity, fairness, and workable outcomes.
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